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SaSsYcAt0385
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Name: SaSsYcAt0385
Gender: Female
Interests: I just got married to my best friend and I'm very happy with him. I'm about to finish my fourth year at Valley Forge Christian College...I got a few more semester before I'm finished sadly. I love Children and I love being around them.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/17/2004
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| Where do I start...I should be going to bed, but here I am. Tonight been a big wave of emotions. But first let me start w/ the cats.
I really don't know how I feel about these cats anymore, they are liking having kids. So far they have peed and pooped in my favorite chair. (Thank God the pee smell didn't stay in the chair) They have peed and poop in my suitcase (which I believe I have to throw out). They have ripped two of my table clothes, now they are like five dollars but it still frustrating that I had to throw one away already, and if they keep it up on this one I will have to throw it away as well. I'm not one to throw stuff away, if it can keep I will keep it. Now I didn't want my bathroom to ever be this way, I stayed at a friends place and her bathroom floor was always covered in cat litter and I said I would never allow that to happen in my house. But really its a losing battle. They are always on the table, they eat everything. They even broke one of my glasses. So let just say I'm rather annoyed by the cats and don't see why we have them. I know they are cute, and fun to lay with. Except for the fact that Alien wakes me up at crazy hours at night. One night its 2:30, another night its 4:00, another it might be 5:30, I think you get the idea, he wakes me up whenever he feels like it. He rubs his face on your face which could be cute if it wasn't for the fact that he has a kitty cold and lets face it he can't wipe his nose on a tissue. They are always into something and gets into different location where they should not be. One of these days they will get stuck in the corner of the cabinet and that will be a fun (expensive day) trying to get them out. They now figured out they can get behind the tv stand, which wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for the fact they chew on everything. Oh and our couch, thank God we got it for free and hardly care that they have turn it into one big scratching post. Mind you I don't know why anyone spends money on one of those cats scratching post they don't use them. I don't know if I ever seen a cat use one, I know our cats steal the blue fuzzy thing on the top and run around the house with it. Then when its laying on the side they might use the bottom to scratch. Even tho they are big frustration, there is a slight chance we will be keeping them. I hope that once they get fixed they will calm down some. I love my husband and he wants these cats and b/c of that I will keep them, even tho they are so frustrating. Now that I went on a bashing of the cats, let me go with some other stuff.
Well actually this next thought kind of started b/c of the cats. Now I have heard before that how a person treats his animals gives a person an idea of how they will treat their kids. Now I know this isn't 100% factual. But lets roll with it, one day Alien was laying on the back of the couch, and we been making comments about how they sleep all day and then at night they run around beating each other up and just all over the place. So I decided that it was time for him to be awake, so I picked him up and put him on the floor. Chrissy joking around said "Your going to do that to your kids". Which knowing about the saying I just stated earlier, it made me stop and think. Maybe they are right, I don't know if I'll be a good mother. I might spoil the cats and let them sleep with me, give them treats, and say nice things to them. But to many times I'm spraying them with a water bottle, yelling at them, putting them in the bathroom b/c they peed and pooped on something. Ignoring them at times. I might treat my kids well on certain levels, but I'm afraid what I might be when I'm annoyed w/ them. Now I'm not saying I would put them in the bathroom and leave them there. There is a BIG DIFFERENT between a cat and a kid. Animals do not deserve the same rights a human. But the cat has destroyed things that I loved, and I know kids are great for that. I guess I just feel like I might be great in some areas, but those areas won't matter b/c they will only remember the times I yell at them, I get annoyed at them, and etc. I guess I am having the opposite reaction to the many people around me having babies or trying to have a baby. Pat thinks he should start trying, I think I want to wait even longer. Then again he doesn't have to host this child in his body, and then w/ great pain bring into the world. (Ok so off topic now).
One other thing, I listen to this cd called Affabell Window of Eternity, now its a (professional grade) made story of these five friends who grew up together went to school together and graduated together. Their names is pretty much what they are, you have: Decieved, Faith-Hearted, Selfish, Independent, and Charity. They all grow up being taught about Jayln and they know the truth. But its goes on about how they lived their life, toward the end they are taken to see Jayln, which is where they see their life on the screen and find out if their name is written in the book. Very powerful story and I think every Christian should listen to it. (I listen to it on youtube). I for some reason almost cried w/ selfish and charity. I know I am so falling short of God, and I know I care about things that I shouldn't care about. I believe I put things b/f God that I shouldn't. I feel like selfish but I want to be like Charity. But I feel so far away from that and I don't know if I'll ever get there. I don't even know where to start.
Man I'm rather annoyed tonight, things are just driving me up the wall. I want Pat to stop snoring, he was just pushing his legs out of the covers and I was like "Stop moving." There something else that is bothering me but I'll keep that to myself. Also I had to buy a new mixer today, which was a cheap one b/c I asked for one for Christmas, well it broke tonight. I did a cupcake cake, and I felt that it looked bad, but after I put the logo on it, it wasn't as bad. Which reminds me of partly why I got on this cat bashing thing, the three legged kitty got on the table after I was all done w/ the cupcakes, and I had them close in a box sitting on the table w/ a towel on top to keep them from getting into the box, b/c they have already ate the top of a few cupcakes before. Well I yelled at him to get off the table well when I did that he went and laid on the box w/ the cupcakes. I just wanted to cry, I pick him up and put him on the ground and just open the box, but thanks to God, he barely did anything to it. But lets just say the cupcakes are now on the top of the washing machine. On a funny note, Alien was in the bedroom w/ Patrick sleeping, he heard me yell and stood right up, which woke Pat up (or he wasn't asleep yet). Then he was trying to get out the bedroom, I think he knew his brother was in trouble and wanted to find out why.
I think its bedtime for me. Until next time...
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| Ok here is blog number 2...I meant to add this w/ the other blog I wrote earlier but I forgot the second topic I wanted to write about so here it is...
Another thing I been throwing around in my head is the titled Best Friend.
I don't have a best friend who is a girl, I mean I would like one but I don't have one and I wonder if I'll ever really have one. Yes I have my husband and to be honest we just had this conversation...and he wouldn't consider me his best friend. He said there is a big different from the title best friend and family. I am family to him and in that he feels that is higher then best friend. He said "your my wife not my best friend". I of course did not agree w/ him on this because he was my best friend b/f we got married and he is my best friend now, I share everything with him.
Anyway I saw all this that I don't have a best friend. To many times I have given that titled out to people who never wanted it in the first place. I consider a girl name Alicia my best friend, the first time my husband (of course not at the time) met her he knew she didn't feel the same way to me, and deep down I knew it was true.
I gave the title to another person who at the time didn't mind the title but then for some reason just stop calling all the time, stop talking to me on aim all the time. I guess they didn't want that title anymore.
One other person who I would like to give the title to but this person has decided they will never have a best friend again, because they were burned real bad (I don't know the whole story). In that they are very guarded and in that I can't see us ever getting to a level of best friend, not so much because of me.
I know I suck at friendships, I know on a certain level I'm guarded and I know I can't meet a person on certain levels, but I would like to have a friend that is a girl that I can share with, talk to about certain things that Pat wouldn't care to hear about. Someone to go shopping with, to pray with, to cry with, to call when I'm on my way home to someone where that I don't want to listen to music. Someone to call when something happens. We are suppose to have relationships, well why can't I seem to get one. I'm tired of giving out the best friend title to someone who never wanted it from me.
Well that is another random thought...
Until next time...
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| So i been throwing around stuff in my mind lately. Let me start with the idea of looks and how we put so much on how someone looks.
We praise beauty, we worship it, and we treat people a certain way b/c of their looks. I have notice, that if I take the time to do my hair, throw some make up on and I get a slight positive reaction from people. But most of the time I just don't care. I think a part of that is b/c I don't like my body, if I had a flat stomach I would want to wear nice clothes and I wouldn't want to hid my body. However, I do not have nice clothes I can't afford nice clothes. I went to the mall on Monday w/ Chrissy and we went to a few stores and I think I would like most of their clothes, but I can't afford it.
Make up has been something I'm against (for me at least). But now I am finding myself taking some time in the morning to do my makeup, now I don't have any lipstick or eye shadow, so really all I put on is foundation. In this I don't see the point of makeup (for me at least). I was told by a friend that make up is suppose to enhance certain points. But the way I look at it, it is a way to hid a person flaws. In my case, make up doesn't work for me. It doesn't enhance or hid.
In a couple post ago I talked about how I feel like I'm not pretty enough b/c I don't have my face on anything. I know there is beauty in every woman, one just needs to find it. But lets face it, someone might be pretty in someone eyes, but there is only a select few who will be considered pleasing to everyone eyes. The famous saying "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder"
But it not all about looks, my husband when he first came to campus he was in is start team group, some one asked what they have learn since they been at school, now they only been there for a few days. He raised his hand and said "That they only put the nice building in the catalog." We have a lot of building that need some works on them, and in that you won't find those building in any promo for the school. We care about how things look, we want to look appealing and in that we want people to come b/c we look nice.
I guess I'm learning that looks are important, so in a certain way I been rebelling against this fact, b/c I always said I want to find a guy who likes me for who I am. I want someone to like me for my face, not the mask I put on with make up. But I honestly feel if I want to get anywhere in this world I need to start caring, I need to start putting some more effort into my looks, in my clothes, and what I surround myself with.
I could keep rebelling against it but if I want to be looked at for anything I need to start caring...sigh. | | |
| "We need to keep moving. If we want to make it before sun down." Zan replied
"Yeah, your right." Taking a drink from the camel pack.
"I do have to say that its a night day today."
"It's a beautiful day, and tonight shouldn't be just as nice. It's so much better then the last time."
"Yeah, I am so tired of the rain." Zan said with a little frustration.
"It's the season."
"I thought the spring was the season. You know April shower bring may flowers. Its more like April, May, June brings a flooded July." Laughs
"Yeah this summer been a little over kill for the rain, but the last week been amazing. Makes you forget all about the rain." Abigail stated
"Agree." Looks up to the sky, seeing no clouds in site.
"I don't think we could of asked for better weather." Abigail puts her gloves back on her hands.
Zan goes to grab his bag, when he see something move in the between the rocks.
"What was that?" Zan asked out loud.
"What?" Abigail looks over confused.
Zan looks in between the rocks and sees a snake coming out getting ready to sun himself.
"It's a snake."
"Well leave him alone, he won't bother you."
"NOOO...Really?...I thought of picking him up and throwing him on you." Laughs
"If you do...I'll make sure you fall."
"No you won't." Zan smiling big at Abigail.
Looking with him with a stern face "Try me."
Staring at each other for 20 seconds until she starts to laugh.
"We aren't that far, so we better go so we can be set up before night falls. I want to enjoy the sunset tonight."
Both making sure all the gear is in the right place they continue on their adventure. Abigail and Zan start their climbing once again. Trying to find every crack or rock that was sticking out for them to grab. Pulling their self up with all their strength. Zan reaching the top before Abigail, waiting for her at the top. He looks around to see the flat ground, just perfect for the night. Abigail, reaches up to grab the top of the cliff and pulls herself up.
"We made it." Zan said.
"I think we made good timing."
"Yep, we even beat Zac and Jaylyn." Zan said with a since of pride.
"Well they expected us to get a little later then this. So I bet they will be here soon with everything."
"I can't wait until Zac arm heals so we all can climb together again."
Abigail taking off all her gear, laying it near the edge of the cliff. Walking over to the other side of the mountain looking down.
"The view is breath taking." Zan walks up next to her.
"I could live here."
"I agree." Laughs "But no one would ever come to visit you though."
Zan laughs.
Today I am...a mountain climber. | | |
| So I often at times find myself thinking about the past...I often think about things I have done when I was little. So I feel as I was growing up I was a werid child, but I'm not sure why. I had friends but those friends often would kick me out of the group because the main girl (who I considered my best friend) would kick me out.
Lets jump to 11th grade for a second and go down this trail for a few minutes. I was in history class and a friend of mine, her name was Sara, I bet her in middle school. Now one day some how we got on this topic, about this guy his name was Ron and in jr. high he would flirt w/ me all the time but he would never date me, and I never knew why, only b/c he dated a lot of my friends. Well some how Sara told me that Ron asked what was wrong with me? and I didn't understand why he said that. Then she continue and told me that I have a lisp...and I was floored, I didn't know I had a lisp (now before you think, "How did you not know?", no one told me. Now there is this girl at college didn't know she had a lisp until college.) Going back to Ron, his sister was born with a some problems and on a certain level she isn't how do you say this?...she is all there and seem to be a little slow. (I hope this doesn't hurt anyone, I'm not sure how to say it) Anyway in that I finally figured out why he would never date me, b/c in his mind something was wrong w/ me. Which that day I think changed my life forever. But now I feel like after this, explain a lot.
Now going back to Elem years, I was thinking about things I did when I was little. I remember one time they had a talent show in school, and I sign up just so I could be on the stage, I picked a song, picked out a outfit and just got up there and danced, not caring what I was doing. Then I went into the bathroom and was getting changed. Now the popular girls came in and by my surprise they were talking about me, they said I did good but I did the same moves.
When my grandmother was alive, we would go to church to this little church called "Church of God" anyway I remember a few times, taking a tape I recorded a song on and try very poorly to sing in front of everyone. I also did it so I could be on stage, I wanted to be on the stage all the time.
I also remember I would walk around all the time, recording my voice on my fisher price player thing. My mom actually found a tape, and I'm very interested in hearing that tape.
I also remember a time I called all these ppl from school, pretending that I had family over and just making random calls and talking about nothing.
I was such a weird child, and in all this I am honestly trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I honest feel ever since my friend told me about my lisp I honestly felt that the reason why I got a small part in a school play was b/c of my lisp, and why some ppl in elem school treated me the way they did.
Oh another random story, I remember we had this walk for something in elem school, and I like this boy his name was Brad and I would walk real close to him in the walk and when he slowed down I would slow down. I almost got in a fight w/ his girlfriend at the time.
Anyway, I don't if I say all this, for someone to just be like you are right Cass you were a weird child, and in that you need a lot of help. Or maybe I want to hear that I'm not weird, that people are just mean and you will beat this. But then again ppl tell me all the time I'm not weird and all that stuff, but the damge is there and I can't seem to let that all go.
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Then in all this, another issue lies in my life, which is feeling stupid. Which I think also feels that started when I found out about the lisp, b/c Ron thought something was wrong with me. So I guess maybe I thought something was wrong with, and my lisp become a issue. In the line of the lisp issue.
When I was in youth group, we had a drama team called Vapor and we had try outs, in those try out I learn a monologue and I did it, the leader (who already knew who he wanted for the team) told me a story of a man who went to the river bank and would put pebbles in his mouth until he learn how speak better. That hurt a lot when he said that to me.
I guess I say all this b/c I guess I feel finding out I have a lisp has done so much damage to my thought process, that it has hurt me in doing anything.
I always wanted since I was little to be on stage, I wanted to be an actress b/c then I can be many different things, but when I'm nerves I have a problem with talking to fast and in that I don't talk clearly or I just can't get words out. I hate this so much, I don't get asked to do anything in front of a camera, or even to act on stage. I don't try out for parts b/c I don't want little parts, which personally feel like pity parts, and I know all parts are important but I guess I never felt that way. I will keep another thought to myself, only b/c I don't know who gets on this and reads it and I don't want anyone to be upset with what I think.
In all this, there is a small part of me that wants to be on the stage. But the other part of me wants to be behind it all b/c its the safe way of doing it. I don't know if God will ever put me on the stage but there is a small part of me who wants to be.
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One more topic then I'll be done for tonight, since I been writing this blog for a while now. My looks, I am/was involved with the video team and he is always finding ppl to do the promo videos and Patrick is friends w/ the photographer who takes the pictures of the students who get to be on the promo for the school. I feel that I'm not pretty enough to do that, I don't have the looks that ppl like to look at, so in that I find all the faults in my face. I ask why I'm not pretty enough to do that, why don't I have the face that people want to see on pictures.
I haven't really taken any pictures since I said "I do" I gain weight and I feel like it shows a lot in my face. I can't stand my body, and in that I like to hid it, which I don't want to do anymore but I can't seem to get motivated in losing weight. I want a flat stomach, I want to wear clothes and feel sexy in them, but I have a love hate relationship with clothes. Most of the time I want to wear t-shirts and sweets b/c its comfy and I don't have to worry about my stomach showing or lines on my body from my jeans. I can sit here and tell you once again all the thing I see wrong w/ my body but I'll spare you the reading.
So this is stuff I been throwing around in my head for the last few days.
Until next time...
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